The April 2010 issue of Maxim, the magnificent masculine magazine memorializing all things manly just game out with an eye-popping sex survey which says your chick wants to jump you just as much as you want to jump her. Cool!
Here are some of the salacious survey's sensensational findings from women:
How many times a day do you think about sex?
* 38.2% said 2-5 times a day. (highest response)
* 26.8% said 6-10 times a day
* 15.4% said 11-20 times a day.
* 4% said 30+ times a day. Holy horniness! Too bad one of them was your sister
Analysis: Women are as horney as hell. Maybe your manly junk hugging limegreen thong at the beach is not
such a bad idea afterall.
What is the quickest you've slept with a guy after meeting him?
* 25.6% said 1-5 hours! (highest response).
* 10.2% said less than one day
* 20% said one month.
* 18.2% said over 1 month. Billowing blue balls batman. That's a lot of dinners and movies before you
hook up with these chicks. Craiglist paid companions will be faster and cheaper.
Analysis: Either these chicks in general are meeting smooth guys or chicks are getting hornier by the day! By the time the ice melts in your empty glass at the bar, you could be banging a hot chick and not even paying for it!
Rate the importance of the following on a scale of 1, not at all, to 5, extremely:
Penis Size
* 5.4% Not at all important (That's it?! Dude. Not good.)
* 38.9% Somewhat (highest response)
* 35.4% Important
* 15.8% Very Important
* 4.6% Extremely Important.
Analysis: Wow. Oprah lied her ass off. Size does matter. Start ordering those herbal pills and penis pumps asap dude! And start stuffing socks in your underwear immediately!
Ability to have sex several times in one night:
* 14.6% Not at all important.
* 29.0% Somewhat important (highest response)
* 24.9% Important
* 22.0% Very important
* 9.6% Extremely important
Analysis: More than one time in a night? I gets mine and then I go to sleep. I better get off my couch and actually start jogging to build up some stamina because all the nymphos out there want you to bang like a porn star with a Viagra IV.
Muscle Tone/Fitness:
* 6.7% Not at all important
* 36.9% Somewhat imporant (highest response)
* 34.9% Important
* 16.8% Very
* 4.6% Extremely Important
Analysis: The women have spoken. Fuck personality and brains. They want big arms and 6-pack abs!
Job Income:
* 16.6% Not at all important
* 34.4% Somewhat important (highest response)
* 29.5% Important
* 14.8% Very important
* 4.6% Extremely imporant
Analysis: FICO scores beat SAT scores. Chicks want dudes with cash. Apparently dudes with Ferraris are sexier than dudes with Corollas. Who knew?
Which porn-style sex move is the biggest turnoff? (Check all that apply)
* 51.7% Slapping cock on various body parts
* 45.9% Coming on a girl's face
* 73.1% Coming on a girl's face without asking first
* 81.0% Attempting anal sex without asking first (highest response)
* 39.5% Clitoris spanking
Analysis: Holy shit! All those damn pornos you watch actually fuck up your sex life instead of improving it. But the guy always comes in a girls face and go for anal without asking first in the pornos. I will write Vivid Video a strongly worded letter asap.
Here are some other nice snippets of info from the Maxim Survey:
50.7% will Google-stalk a guy before a day so clean up your Facebook and Myspace pages. Your
drunken naked pics with farm animals may be funny to your buds but chicks may be slightly turned-off.
89.5% will give you a second chance at sex if the first encounter was little bit awkward. Even if you suck in the sack, a woman will generally give you another shot before you kicked to the curb. At least you will have had sex twice that year! Woo hoo!
76.4% of women will either tell their friends every last detail of their sexual encounter with your or only when you are good or bad. This means if you bang like a pornstar you will receive free good press and maybe even bang her friends. If Mr. Limpness falls short, you will be shamed to all the chicks so don't even think about going to that bar again. No wonder the same dudes bang all the chicks.
32.5% of chicks are willing to have sex on the first date with 7.5% maxing out on a blow job on a first date. I like those odds! Quick, pick up an issue of Cosmo and study it like it's a final exam.
What have we learned? Women are just as horny as dudes and will bang you fast but you have to be rich, have a big dick, bang all night and be in great shape. This explains why you are reading this blog right how instead of banging a hot chick. At least there is internet porn and your trusty right hand to keep you company and at least your hand is cheap and has never refused a night of hot bangins before. You may commence crying.
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