Great Break-Up Letters. Take Notes For Your Next Dumpin' Time!

To celebrate love around the world, I have decided to provide a list of some great break-up  letters for your amusement. If you just happen to be the person who wrote any of these or was dumped by someone via the  break-up letters below, we feel your pain while simultaneously mocking you and taking notes for our next break-up.

"Dear Susan :


I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our

"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I

swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little

boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make

contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I

guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot

of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about

looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as

one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our

hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and breasts

of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two

weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought her home with me. I

don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my

desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies

that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I

mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a

tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch

being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made

important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect

body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see

what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a

better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I doubt it. And I'd

never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just

growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I

found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't

just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but

something else. Some ****ling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so

incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do

you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Susan,

I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of

you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she

figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what

she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a

few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in

our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's

giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not

hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.

And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's

old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we

can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too.

'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on

the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never

used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I

mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on

her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in

general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Susan, She really

is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is

think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just

about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole

anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured

you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness

between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby

sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Susan.

In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just

wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can

you let me know where the remote control is.

John

GREATEST DRAMATIC READING OF A GREAT BREAK-UP LETTER EVER!!! HIT THIS LINK

Actor Jim Carrey And Playboy Playmate/Activist Jenny McCarthy SPLIT

The celebrity buzz is buzzing like hell now that plastic-faced funnyman Jim Carrey and Playboy Playmate of the Year turned autism activist Jenny McCarthy have announced their split via Twitter. This Twitter shit is amazing. Everytime the shit hits the fan with a celebrity, they always Tweet about it. The Associated Press is reporting that Jim Carrey, 48, twittered that he wishes her the best and McCarthy, 37, will keep Jim as a "leading man in her heart." Awwww how sweet. I wonder if the split has to do with how fucking crazy Jenny McCarthy has been in her autism activism often telling the world that vaccines cause autism although the medical community has repeatedly found such assertions to be without merit, i.e., McCarthy is full of shit. The beautiful model, author, comedian and activist of course does not hold a medical degree or any scientific qualifications of any kind made many such pronouncements which I am sure was much to the detriment of the foolish parents who followed her advice and did not get the proper immunization for their children. Amazing how a pretty face and fame trumps proven science in the minds of some Americans.

Anyway, don't feel sorry for Jenny McCarthy. Jim Carrey, showing his love to McCarthy back in 2007, allegedly set up a $50 million trust for her and her child. Talk about a golden parachute out of a relationship. That pussy must have been all that and then some. My exes never gave me cash. I just got a swift kick in the ass as I was tossed to the curb.  For goodness sakes they were not even married! Jim is often a little too generous. He once gave his agent, manager and lawyer all Porsche convertibles. Somehow I have to weezle my way into this man's life. I have student loans to pay! My bet is that the both of them will be back together soon after banging a few people. They are both crazy as hell and I don't know who will put up with either one of their bullshit for very long.

Dumbass Of The Day: Man Calls Cops After Dispute With Prostitute's Service

The Smoking Gun reports on a Ohio man who allegely arranged to have sex with a prostitute in a White Castle restaurant restroom. Why a White Castle restroom? They lock of course! Everyone who has sex with prostitutes in White Castle restaurants knows that. Duh!  Well the man, William Ferris, allegedly paid a prostitute $50 to have sex in said restroom. The prostitute allegedly gave him kissing and sucking but no vaginal sex which Ferris understood to be part of deal. Feeling that he was being ripped off and his money stolen because he did not get "all of it for $50", Ferris then called the police to say he had been robbed. Well when the story began to fall apart and it became apparent that Ferris was not robbed but was instead allegedly involved in a sex deal gone wrong, Ferris was charged with solicitation and making a false police report.

When involved in illegal activity, it may be a good idea not to call the police lest ye be arrested. For his wonton and reckless stupidity, William Ferris deserves our Dumbass of the Day award.

Neosoul Superstar Erykah Badu Gets Naked & Fined For Video Shoot

Neosould superstar Erykah Badu , a Dallas native, shocked the music world and the city of Dallas, Texas when she filed a music video on March 13, 2010 for her song "Window Seat." During the shoot for the video Erykah Badu  walks through the public streets of Dallas and strips naked as she walks and then falls to the ground as if she was shot at the exact area where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Dallas police was not going to issue a fine as no one complained about the shoot but when the video was released a witness, Ida Espinosa, gave a sworn statement that she was offended by the video as she had her two young children with her when the filming was done. The Dallas Police Department will issue a $500 fine to Erykah Badu for disorderly conduct. As reported by TV Guide, the ticket will be issue to the songstress next week. The video for "Window Seat" can be seen here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/02/erykah-badu-nude-window-s_n_523980.html#postComment

For the record, not only do I think this song is cool but it makes Erykah Badu the coolest singer on the planet right now. We all have to support artist's, especially famous, talented and sexy ones, to get naked for their art. The sworn complainant Ida Espinosa should be slapped. If she was so offended, how come she did not complain to the police during the video shoot. She waited until after the video aired to complain. And that booty was bootylicious!! Seriously, this artist got naked for art and not the crass vajayjay shots young actresses like Britney Spears (NSFW pic here) give when they wear their short skirts and no panties while getting drunk and partying in Hollywood. I am personally offering my city, my block, and my home to Ms. Badu or any sexy artist to get nakes for their cause. Your fine nudity may not be welcome in Dallas, but your nudity, like a Visa card, is always accepted here.